An Englishman flew over to New York and when he left the airport he jumped into a taxi. As he watched the New York scenery go past, the taxi driver asked him an easy riddle.
Taxi driver: "My father had a child. It's not my brother, it's not my sister, so who is it ?"
Englishman : "Err I don't know ! ... who ?"
Taxi driver: "It's me of course !!"
A few days later the Englishman finished his business in New York and flew back the England. A few days after that he is sitting with his friends in the local pub. He decides to try the riddle on his friends.
Englishman: "My father had a child. It's not my brother, it's not my sister, so who is it ?"
Friend #1 : "It's you of course !"
Englishman: "No, appentley it's a taxi driver in New York !"
![Breakfast in bed](humour/breakfast-on-mums-face-2.jpg)
It was very clear that mum must have been alseep when the kids brought up her birthday breakfast in bed.
![Terminator 1984 - 2015](humour/terminator-1984-v-2015.jpg)
Terminator - 1984 → 2015 - "I'll be back" → "Ouch, my back"
- I accidentally handed my friend a glue stick instead of a chap-stick. She still isn't talking to me.
- My friend can only sleep on stacks of old magazines. He's got back issues.
- Somewhere, someone's therapist knows all about YOU.
- My anger management classes are starting to seriously piss me off !
- Never give up: Never stop trying to exceed your limits. We need the entertainment.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
- It's true, dogs are loyal. But at least we cats don't snitch and tell the police where your drugs are.
- I would love to be a vampire as I wouldn't have a reflection. I would have hours of fun going into public toilets, standing by the main mirror and freaking everyone out !
- The best thing about being over 40 is that we did all our stupid stuff before the invention of the Internet, so there is no proof !
- I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
- My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini. I said "wow, that's an amazing car!", He replied "If you work hard, put all your hours in and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year."
- Todays generation is so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
- Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there is some person pulling a door that says "PUSH".
- The best way to learn how to fly is to throw yourself at the ground ... and miss.
- A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
- I think I'm gonna take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower but with me in it.
- A young lady walks into a supermarket. On her way round she sees the man who'd had his way with her the previous evening, after they had met in a club. He was stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves. "You lying git !" she shouts, "last night you told me you were a stunt pilot !". "No," he says, "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team."
- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
- The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
- Is there intelligent life on earth ? Yes but I'm only visiting !
- The early bird may well get the worm but it's the 2nd mouse that gets the cheese !
- You come from dust, you will return to dust. That's why I don't dust, it might be someone I know.
- Whenever I'm told that I'm Gonna regret that in the morning, I sleep in to noon ... because I'm a problem solver.
- The fact that there is a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
- Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion
- I asked a friend what he was working on. He told me, he is working on aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel in a constrained environment. I was impressed. On further probing I learnt that he was washing dishes in hot water ... under his wife's supervision !
- Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
- I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of bacon.
- You don't need to drive me crazy, I'm close enough to walk
- May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Twitter.
- I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food.
- Hey auto correct, quit tampering with my curse words, you mother forklift.
- Moore's Law of Mad Science: Every 18 months, the minimum IQ necessary to destroy the world drops by one point.
- Gas prices aren't really that bad when you remember that you're essentially buying badass dinosaurs in liquid form.
- RIP Dinosaurs. Can't believe it's only been 65 million years already. Always in our thoughts.
- The police came round last night and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even have bikes.
- I feel like something is missing from my life and I don't know if it's a person, a cat, a dog, or just a pint of beer.
- When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight. You know, to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
- Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
- Dear Santa for Christmas could I please have a big fat bank balance and a nice slim body ... and Santa try get it the right way round this year !
- What is the leading cause of dry skin? ................... Towels !
- I went to bed wondering where the sun had gone, then it dawned on me.
- I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
- I'm reading a book about anti-gravity, I can't put it down.
- I need your advice. I've been offered 8 legs of venison for £80, Is that two dear ?
- I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
- Mary had a little lamb, Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, between two chunks of bread.
![Prevent running in hallway](humour/how-art-teacher-stops-running-in-hallway.jpg)
![](humour/EveryWomansMag.jpg)
![](humour/BloodyAwfulMag.jpg)
![Star Wars Death Star](humour/StarWars-BattleStation-1.jpg)
![](humour/drive-a-tank-double-car-crush.jpg)
UK Prime Minister (and ex Mayor), Boris Johnson, has revealed his plans to ease parking congestion in London.
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