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An Englishman flew over to New York and when he left the airport he jumped into a taxi. As he watched the New York scenery go past, the taxi driver asked him an easy riddle.

Taxi driver: "My father had a child. It's not my brother, it's not my sister, so who is it ?"

Englishman : "Err I don't know ! ... who ?"

Taxi driver: "It's me of course !!"

A few days later the Englishman finished his business in New York and flew back the England. A few days after that he is sitting with his friends in the local pub. He decides to try the riddle on his friends.

Englishman: "My father had a child. It's not my brother, it's not my sister, so who is it ?"

Friend #1 : "It's you of course !"

Englishman: "No, appentley it's a taxi driver in New York !"

Breakfast in bed
It was very clear that mum must have been alseep when the kids brought up her birthday breakfast in bed.

Terminator 1984 - 2015
Terminator - 1984 → 2015 - "I'll be back" → "Ouch, my back"

  • I accidentally handed my friend a glue stick instead of a chap-stick. She still isn't talking to me.

  • My friend can only sleep on stacks of old magazines. He's got back issues.

  • Somewhere, someone's therapist knows all about YOU.

  • My anger management classes are starting to seriously piss me off !

  • Never give up: Never stop trying to exceed your limits. We need the entertainment.

  • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

  • The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

  • It's true, dogs are loyal. But at least we cats don't snitch and tell the police where your drugs are.

  • I would love to be a vampire as I wouldn't have a reflection. I would have hours of fun going into public toilets, standing by the main mirror and freaking everyone out !

  • The best thing about being over 40 is that we did all our stupid stuff before the invention of the Internet, so there is no proof !

  • I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

  • My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini. I said "wow, that's an amazing car!", He replied "If you work hard, put all your hours in and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year."

  • Todays generation is so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.

  • Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there is some person pulling a door that says "PUSH".

  • The best way to learn how to fly is to throw yourself at the ground ... and miss.

  • A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

  • I think I'm gonna take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower but with me in it.

  • A young lady walks into a supermarket. On her way round she sees the man who'd had his way with her the previous evening, after they had met in a club. He was stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves. "You lying git !" she shouts, "last night you told me you were a stunt pilot !". "No," he says, "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team."

  • Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

  • The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

  • Is there intelligent life on earth ? Yes but I'm only visiting !

  • The early bird may well get the worm but it's the 2nd mouse that gets the cheese !

  • You come from dust, you will return to dust. That's why I don't dust, it might be someone I know.

  • Whenever I'm told that I'm Gonna regret that in the morning, I sleep in to noon ... because I'm a problem solver.

  • The fact that there is a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

  • Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion

  • I asked a friend what he was working on. He told me, he is working on aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel in a constrained environment. I was impressed. On further probing I learnt that he was washing dishes in hot water ... under his wife's supervision !

  • Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

  • I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of bacon.

  • You don't need to drive me crazy, I'm close enough to walk

  • May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Twitter.

  • I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food.

  • Hey auto correct, quit tampering with my curse words, you mother forklift.

  • Moore's Law of Mad Science: Every 18 months, the minimum IQ necessary to destroy the world drops by one point.

  • Gas prices aren't really that bad when you remember that you're essentially buying badass dinosaurs in liquid form.

  • RIP Dinosaurs. Can't believe it's only been 65 million years already. Always in our thoughts.

  • The police came round last night and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even have bikes.

  • I feel like something is missing from my life and I don't know if it's a person, a cat, a dog, or just a pint of beer.

  • When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight. You know, to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

  • The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

  • Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

  • Dear Santa for Christmas could I please have a big fat bank balance and a nice slim body ... and Santa try get it the right way round this year !

  • What is the leading cause of dry skin? ................... Towels !

  • I went to bed wondering where the sun had gone, then it dawned on me.

  • I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

  • I'm reading a book about anti-gravity, I can't put it down.

  • I need your advice. I've been offered 8 legs of venison for £80, Is that two dear ?

  • I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

  • Mary had a little lamb, Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, between two chunks of bread.

Prevent running in hallway

Star Wars Death Star

UK Prime Minister (and ex Mayor), Boris Johnson, has revealed his plans to ease parking congestion in London.
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